Jul 31, 2006

When Will I Ever Learn?

It doesn't matter how much I try to convince myself that this time I will be different. Really, different. As in not like before. This time I will pay attention. I will be conscious of what I am doing and never make the dreaded mistake again. And therefore save myself a lot of heartache. So, in that moment where I feel confident and self-assured, I do it. I splurge. And I buy the sweater THAT SHOULD NEVER SEE THE INSIDE OF A DRYER.

Complacency soon gives way and poof! Ellie has another new sweater in her closet.

Jul 30, 2006

Puppy Love

I swear I did not place this stuffed animal there. In the early morning after he eats, Wilbur likes to climb up on this couch while I check my email. Today I turned around and saw this...


This is an excerpt from an email my friend sent me:

1. Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
3. Men are like Blenders ...... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
4. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
5. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
7. Men are like Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
8. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

I was having a discussion with a very opinionated person the other day about gay men. This person (male) was saying something derogatory and I guess I tuned out because when I hear something I don't agree with, I usually do this. All I know was it was something negative. Here's my take. Gay men make the best friend a woman could ever have. I know because I am friends with one. Let's call him Fabio for fun. No, let's call him Marc because that's his real name. Marc is hilarious, true to himself and just overall fabulous. He totally cracks me up. When you are friends with a gay man you never have to worry about him trying to pick you up. When he tells you that your skirt is too short - he actually means your skirt is too short. He will actually listen to your problems with great intent and offer you sound advice. Not to stereotype, but Marc knows fashion. How cool is that? He will tell you what looks good on you and what should be burned. Like a true girlfriend, no topic is off limits and everything goes in the "vault". Every girl should have a friend like Marc...

Hubby and I watched "Into the Blue" last night. Ummm, may I just say that "Mr. Fast and Furious" is a delight on the eyes? Might I also say that Jessica Alba should not be able to look THAT GOOD in a bikini? At the end of the movie when the credits are rolling it stated that there is over 30 BILLION dollars of treasure waiting to be found in the world's oceans....

Juergen and I would like to take this opportunity to tell everyone that we are selling everything we own, packin' up and moving to the Bahamas. Now excuse me while I go find my snorkelling gear....

Jul 28, 2006

What the Heck Is It?

Is it bad that my kids have been playing in the basement almost the entire day and I don’t care? Well, let’s put a positive spin on this – at least they’re not outside getting cancer from the sun’s harmful rays. Speaking of which, I found this odd mark on my leg a couple of weeks ago and after reading Dooce’s blog entry "Death to Ed" I thought perhaps I should have it checked out. My doctor is a great lady but honestly she would probably make me sit in the waiting room if I had a limb falling off and blood was spurting out Monty Python-style. Nothing phases her. Not even the fact that I have cancer. Well, I don’t, but let’s just say I do for dramatic purposes. She looked at it, seemed puzzled for a moment and then told me that if she were to “cut it out” that there was not enough fat on my leg and that the stitch would be therefore obvious. (you mean more obvious than this ugly brown mark?) Then she back-tracked by asking me if I had been out in the bushes (should I have been offended?) or weed eating. "Ummm, no!" to both questions stopped her in her tracks. Still thinking this is nothing to worry about she said "Let’s wait 4-6 weeks and see if it fades. If it doesn’t, we’ll look at it again." Hmmm, that’s comforting. So everyday I will look at this ugly brown mark and try to determine if it’s fading. If I don’t think it is, I will continue to use it as leverage against my husband. "Oh, you had a bad day? Yeah, well I have cancer."

I am so bad...

Stuff About Nothing

Why are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes hiding their baby from the press so vigilantly? Don't they realize they are creating a sort of feeding frenzy now? There are websites and magazines that are counting the days since this child's birth and the lack of pictures to prove it. Does this family not have some sort of cranky cousin or annoying uncle that is willing to risk the wrath of Tom Cruise and leak a picture already?!

Tori Spelling must have gotten cut out of her father's will because this doesn't look good.

Say it ain't so Mel! With all of your money, can't you afford a taxi? Heck, you've got six kids, couldn't you have called one of them for a ride?!

For those of you who love "The Office" and I do, here's exciting news... new cast members! I think the Daily Show must be getting nervous - all of their recruits are jumping ship. You either hate The Office or love it - there is no grey area here. Steve Carell is absolutely hysterical and plays this character to a "T". He cracks me up! I think NBC is finally gettin' it - they may just come back this Fall and surprise all of us.

First he gets a house - now this?

Jul 27, 2006

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mother's birthday. Please don't be jealous because I have the best mother in the world. Really. Often people will say to me "Oh I just love your Mom" or "You're Mom is so sweet"...I can't help it but I have to agree! She simply IS the sweetest Mom!

I could stand to learn a few things from her including patience. Mom's favorite story to tell is the time where the kids and I came over for a visit and I had been very cross with Jack in the car on the ride over. Of course she took Jack in her arms and talked to him with a soothing tone to undermine, woops, I mean explain my actions. In the end though she told him he must listen to me and that I was the boss. His reply? He looked up at her with his big brown eyes and cried "But Beppe, you don't understand. She's pretty ... but she's MEAN!

Jul 26, 2006

Bleeding, Broken...

"Mom, did you water that "Broken Heart" plant?"

"You mean the "Bleeding Heart" Ellie?"

"Broken, Bleeding, whatever. Did you water it?"

Ah, kids.

Windowsill Surfing

Jul 25, 2006

Tina Fey Is A Comedic Genius...and other stuff

..."If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs." Tina Fey

Why is it I feel so excited that Tina Fey is leaving SNL? Because now I can enjoy her comedic genius at a time when I am still awake. Her new show "30 Rock" hasn't even started yet and already I am the NUMBER #1 FAN. I can't help it, but I take pleasure in the fact that Lorne Michaels is losing sleep at night over trying to replace the irreplaceable. You go girl!

MORE Things That Make Me Go Hmmmmm.....

Richard Hatch, the first winner of Survivor is going to jail for not paying tax on his million dollar winnings which begs the question: How Dumb Are Ya?

You are married to a SUPERMODEL. How dumb are YOU???

How exactly do you trade a red paper clip for a house? I would like to know because I'm staring at a pretty one on my desk right now: Here's How

Would somebody please give this girl a sandwich? Eat already!

Jul 23, 2006

Good Times

My parents were hosting some Dutch company last week while Juergen and I were hosting my cousin Tim, his wife Connie and their kids. Both sets of company have now left and we are feeling rather lonely. Tim and Connie and their kids are the best company. Even though they hadn't been here with the kids on approximately 4 years, they walked in and it's like we started right where we left off. Their kids are WONDERFUL kids. Truly. We spent close to a week together and there was never one argument between 5 kids. Let's face it, some company you look forward to having, some you don't. That's reality. But when these guys come - we love it. I wished they lived closer.

Yesterday we had Jack's birthday party - 6 friends from his class came over for a pool party. The weather here has been hot and humid for I swear, 3 weeks. Yesterday - cool and raining. Unbelievable. But dang if we were going to cancel. Juergen asked me what Plan B was - I informed him there was no "Plan B." We could have taken them bowling but for some odd reason we decided that having 6 boys running though our house caked up with sugar and pop would be a good thing. They swam in the rain, played pool and video games while Juergen and I watched the clock like it was an idol to be worshipped. So really, this party wasn't much. But during dinner and afterwards with cake, the giggling and carrying-on started and I then realized these boys were actually having fun. One actually stated "This is the best party I've been to!" I glanced over at Juergen and smiled as the boys were sticking their faces into the cake. Whatever makes 'em happy.

Jul 21, 2006

We Are The Champions...Not!

Volleyball. (or “volleyvall” as Jay Leno called it in Tuesday night's monologue) So far this summer our team, which consists of my brother and his fiancĂ©e, me and my 2 friends and two other people, has won twice.

By default.

Yes, we won because the other teams did not show up. We are now like the "Bad News Bears" of this volleyball season. I am a very competitive person by nature and losing is not really my thing. Well, apparently it is now – we have gotten so good at losing that it is now seemingly second nature. We are the type of team that hasn’t had much practice so when the ball comes our way we are desperate to GET IT OVER THE NET. The other teams are busy volleying, setting and spiking – us, we’re trying to just GET IT OVER THE NET. Preferably in one hit. We just don’t want to take any chances. It's like a hot potato to us.

Last night we came close to winning with scores of 15-13 and 15-11. We always seem to drop the ball (no pun intended) in that last section of the game. Perhaps we are focussing too much on the cold beer that awaits us afterwards, who knows?

After the game we talk about where we went wrong and what we can do better. "...Next week I will DIVE for the ball, I will do whatever it takes to keep that ball in play, I will break my arm lunging for that ball." In my head, I am the best volleyball player in the world. I am Gabrielle Reece. I am one with the ball. Graceful. Powerful. Impenetrable. In reality, I am bumbling, spastic, and always landing on my butt.

But I try. And man, is it fun!

Jul 20, 2006

Guilt-Free Day

I have hereby announced July 20th to be Guilt-Free Day. Wait, make that July 21st -I've already felt guilty of many things today. I'll be guilt-free tomorrow. Guilt is a funny thing, isn't it? It can keep you from ever being happy with yourself.

Sometimes (well, all the time) I feel guilty about my religion. What I could do better as a Christian, how I could better myself as a Christian, how I continually mess up as a Christian. But perfection can never be reached for us so really I shouldn't feel that bad. I guess I strive to be the best I can be and I soooooo know I haven't reached my potential in that direction yet.

Other things I feel guilty about - not being a better Mom. Y'know, the kind who do it all in a day - start the day off with a smile and a warm breakfast, bake cookies, do interesting things with their kids, teach their kids, spend oodles of time with their kids. Ugh. I really need to put myself in the mind set of my kids and just have fun sometimes. I should also be a better Dog Mom and take Wilbur on daily walks - the problem is I think my arm would be totally dislocated if I did that. (see how I just justified that?)

So tomorrow I will wake up whenever I want and not feel the slightest bit guilty about it. I will feel guilt over nothing. And then I'll probably end up feeling guilty that I don't feel guilty.

Jul 19, 2006

Oh Come On!

It has come to my attention that I may be a bit naive. Or "not cynical" as I like to call it. For intance, I don't think Oprah is gay. I just heard that rumour and I think it must be a slow day in the celebrity rags if that one's going around. I guess they're tired of trying to find and photograph Baby Suri Holmes-Cruise that they've decided Oprah is gay now. However, I must admit that when I found out Rosie was gay I was surprised. (I think Connie and I were the only ones) I thought she was in love with Tom Cruise and didn't realize you could be gay and adore Tom Cruise at the same time. In fact, to tell the truth, I still don't understand that one.

My cousin Tim, his wife Connie and their 3 kids have left us to go to Quebec for two days. They have been gone for 3 hours now and Jack, Ellie and I are lost. We're bored out of our minds. (Oh, and Wilbur too) We literally don't know what to do with ourselves. We're pathetic.

And in other important news - the volume controller on our t.v. remote is broken. Do you know how frustrating that is? Not being able to mute the commercials that constantly talk down to us? I fear I may go out of my mind. Actually getting up off of my way-too-comfortable-couch is just more than I can bear. So like my Dad before me, I yell at the kids to do it. So far it's working out great.

Jul 15, 2006

How Do You Like Me Now?

...new look courtesy of my very talented cousin Tim who whipped this up for me. Thanks Tim!

Jul 13, 2006

Jack's Birth Day

I simply cannot believe that it has been 11 years since I was pregnant with my first born. He was a week late and because of that, turned out to be a very big baby – eight pounds to be exact (well, to be exact he was 7/15 and a half but I told the nurses I EARNED that extra half ounce thankyouverymuch) Because I was a week late - and rather huge in 100 degree heat - my doctor decided to induce me. Now any woman who has been induced will cringe when she reads that word because she knows what I’m talking about. Labour is hard enough but when you’re induced it’s hard x’s infinity. (lovely english there, huh?) Thirty minutes after the dreaded ‘drip’ started I was looking at the window beside my bed thinking that if I hurled myself out of that window I would probably be in less pain. And then came the oh-so-wonderful epidural. I loved it. Didn’t care that the needle was a foot long, didn’t care that I had THE HICCUPS when it was injected – did not care! I had contractions that I could no longer feel and it was heaven. Until it wore off. The umbilical cord was around Jack’s neck, slowing down his heart rate so they rushed me in to get him out. I swear every doctor, every nurse, every student nurse, was in there with me. I should’ve charged admission. Long story short - one of the happiest days of my life when it was all over.

I really liked the name Jack so after he was born I cranked my neck towards Juergen (who was standing behind me so as not to see anything – and I mean ANYTHING) and stated “Let’s name him Jack.” Juergen tried to persuade me to think about it – wait a bit longer before we named out first child but I insisted, “It’s Jack.” I gave birth and I figured I could state anything at that point. I mean, really, would he even TRY to argue with me after all that? As an homage to Will and Grace before it even started, the nurse filling out the birth certificate asked me if Jack was short for anything. I replied “No. It’s 'Just Jack.'”

Jul 9, 2006

Summertime, and the Bloggin's Not Easy

The last couple of days have left my creative writing side in a bit of a slump. I have been spending all day outdoors working hard. Imagine! Yesterday I did all the mowing as hubby was working. THAT in itself is a feat - we have close to three acres. Mind you we also have a riding lawn mower but that's another story. I did also use the push mover for the ares close to the house where the big mower can't get in. Phew - my body's feeling it today.

Wilbur continues to be a going concern. He still seeks out toilet paper with the sole intention of destroying it. He is jumping up on every surface now - thinking it's his natural born right. He has also consumed another Tim's, this one plucked right from my desk. Wilbur is like a child - if he's quiet for too long I instinctively KNOW he's up to something. When I finally found him that day, there he was gloriously licking up all of my coffee that was tragically dripping from the desk to the floor.

I forgot to mention - the other day I tooked Wilbur to 'Central Bark', a fenced in area for dogs to meet and greet, share some laughs. (this is also where he takes his obedience training) Every Tuesday night for one hour, large dogs congregrate and their owners hang out and watch them. WELL, the first part of the session was great. Wilbur was so excited and got to play with approx. 6 Labs. Everything was fine.


Have you seen these dogs? They are huge! They are also herding dogs like Wilbur. His name was Winston and he was 10 months old - he towered over Wilbur. I think he thought Wilbur looked akin to a sheep so decided to pick on him. Oh woops - sorry, play. He would chase Wilbur and then BITE HIM ON THE BUTT. Not cool! Funny the first time but not the second, third and fourth times! Poor Wilbur was so traumatized - he truly thought this dog was out to get him! (and quite frankly, so did I) The last bite was rather rough so we had to separate them. Wilbur is such a wimp that he jumped up onto the bench that I, and two other ladies, were sitting on. The Pastor at my church has the exact same dog so I am going to persuade him to come this Tuesday. I would love to see what 2 hyperactive Bouviers would do in the same fenced-in area. Death match! (just kidding...sorta)

This is a busy week coming up - the kids are in VBS Day Camp, Jack's birthday is Wednesday and my cousin Tim and his wife and kids are coming Friday night for a couple of days - can't wait! Hope the weather holds out.

Well, Wilbur's been quiet for too long so I better find out what he's up to...probably having a coffee and chewing on some toilet paper...

Jul 6, 2006

Birthday Parties and Septic Tanks

As a SAHM I am feeling slightly overwhelmed this summer, which is not good, seeing summer vacation has only just begun. I have decided to step things up a bit and plan something fun for the kids everyday - for their sanity, but more importantly - for mine. Yesterday we went to the Library. Since the Library moved to its' new fancy-schmancy location we had not been so this was exciting. And a stroke of genius on my part. I took the kids to a place where they HAD TO BE QUIET. We should've stayed longer!

Last night the kids got to spend time at their Tante's while we went to a friend's surprise birthday party. It was held at a small, charming pub in a small, charming village called Williamstown. It was a tiny diningroom and our group of friends sat at a long harvest table, smushed in like sardines. I literally had to cross my legs and intertwine my arms on my lap. Good thing I like these people. The food was great, hard to eat sitting like that, but good nonetheless. The mosquitoes outside were INSANE and snuck in everytime the door was opened. And the manager hadn't had time to empty out the septic holding tank so the air outside was rather ripe. And I mean RIPE. Very appetizing indeed. How funny is that? With good friends though, none of this mattered. And it also made for wonderful jokes during the evening.

My friend will probably kill me for writing this but she will remain anonymous and I don't think she's a faithful reader anyway. She wrote us (the dinner girls) an email last night stating that her boyfriend of one year broke up with her in a letter left in her mailbox. AN EIGHT-LINE LETTER! That's right up there with being broken up with on a Post-It Note! I think her heart is elsewhere so it's something she's taking in stride. You go girl.

My hands are not on fire anymore thank goodness. I am pleased to announce the Sweet Jalapeno Jelly turned out FABULOUS. Worth the pain. (well, that may be a slight exaggeration) Next time I will use a food processor to do my dirty business for me.

That's it for me for this Thursday - gotta go "paint the battleship" aka - put on make-up.

Jul 4, 2006

Wilbur and My Last Nerve

Wilbur and I started Obedience Training last night. I figured we may as well stay on task with the training thing in hopes that he will learn some good manners. Shannon, the instructor, informed us that all of our dogs are now "teenagers" with regards to their age and that this will be the most trying time - referring to chewing and bad behaviour. Yes. This is true. Wilbur's favorite new thing to do is jump up and steal the toilet paper and then litter the ENTIRE HOUSE with it's remains. Do you know how long it takes to pick up a million pieces of shredded toilet paper? Wilbur has also taken to jumping up on counters, furniture, cupboards, etc. to see what he can see. Which brings me to the very, VERY BAD THING he did this morning. My dear, sweet, loving husband always brings me a Tim Horton's coffee in the morning, and usually sets it on the stove. This fine morning however, he placed it on the table by the door. Can you see where this is going? The travesty of it all! Yes, Wilbur helped himself to my coffee this morning. Bugger! He spilled the entire thing on the floor and then licked up the evidence. All I found was a wet spot on the corner of the carpet and a forlorn discarded lid. I was not impressed. After that I found another nice surprise from Wilbur by the door. I'll let you guess what that was. So needless to say I woke up a very cranky girl this morning - with (still) burning hands!

As for Obedience Class, Wilbur is already proving to be the class clown who doesn't take anything seriously and who would rather sniff other dog's butts than do a sit-stay command. He is not interested in listening to his teacher. His long, messy hair that falls over his eyes and his cool attitude gives the impression that he's really just thinking of when he can sneak out back to grab a smoke.

Yes, he's a teenager. And a bad one at that.

Jul 3, 2006

My Fingers are on Fire

I learned a BIG lesson this afternoon. Never, under any circumstances, should you hand dice 20 Jalapeno peppers without wearing gloves. The sensation is that of holding your hands directly in the hot coals of a fire and holding them there. Indefinitely. You would think that washing your hands in cool water would help - however, it has the exact opposite effect. My sister-in-law Jackie suggested I coat my hands in butter to relieve the pain. Oh the indignity! And one more thing I learned - never rub your eyes with those red hot hands. According to some trusted sources this should go on for approx. 2 days. Lovely

Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned From a Blog

Ahhh, blog life. The source for my entertainment, news, gossip and family info. Who needs a newspaper, anyway? It's just filled with depressing stories of war and crime and debt and global warming. I'd rather plug into the blogs I read for inspiration, or sometimes just a good laugh. (sometimes BOTH at the same time!)

On a rather sad note today - I knew it would happen and it DID. Oh the horror! My gigantic planter FELL due to the strong winds yesterday. It survived, but not without taking a severe beating. I must Miracle Grow it today and nurse it back to health.

So July is upon us and I don't even know where June went. Why doesn't the month of January move this fast?

Jul 2, 2006

Strange, But True

One of the most useful tidbits of information I have ever gotten regarding cleaning the dishes involves a dryer sheet. You know those stubborn casserole dishes, the ones with all the burnt crustations on the sides?

You can either:
a) Have at it with a Brillo pad for 3 hours
b) Fill the dish with water and throw in a dryer sheet. Let sit over night - and PRESTO - no scrubbing.

It's one of those things that still amazes me and that I shall dutifully pass on to future generations.

Jul 1, 2006

Happy Canada Day, Eh?

There's no other place like it...