Feb 5, 2007

pms

It never ceases to amaze me the depths of emotions, the enormous highs and lows, a woman can go through. Sure, pms doesn't help this roller coaster of emotions. Tonight it's a low for me. There are many contributing factors...life, bills, kids, work - you name it, it's buggin' me. And pms can make me feel as though I am trapped in a body that I don't want to be in. I snap at the kids, the dog, poor old hubby - I am generally miserable with myself as well. My brain has lucid moments where I wish I could be rational, but the irrational side wins out. I must ride that crazy roller coaster until it stops. Until such time, I am strapped in against my will. But perhaps, these outbreaks are needed. Maybe without them I would boil over and self-combust? Maybe I need these outbursts to keep sane. Who knows? It can be very frustrating to try to explain to a man how this works. "Well, you see honey, at the same time every month I become a different woman, some months may be worse than others, but generally I become an irrational, moody and very angry woman. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it." This directly translated to a man: "Blah blah blah, blah blah - blah blah."

Like an insane person, anything can set me off. And I can either bet set off in an angry way, or a very emotional way. Take your pick, both can be equally bad. The angry way involves an inordinate lack of patience along with the inevitable, and most often involuntary - rolling of the eyes in response to anything I deem worthy. (which is literally everything) Add to that a few slamming of doors and guttural "ugh's". Tears can also be involved but are not often showed.

The emotional reaction is worse. It involves letting yourself feel pain you don't usually let in. It makes your heart physically heavy and clouds your eyes from tears that seem to steadily flow out of nowhere. It brings up every hurt, every scar, every hidden-away pain to the surface and brings mind numbing relevance to the simple word 'sad'. It makes me long for my brother who I lost in October 2004. It makes that cut seem so fresh and un-healed, as though over 2 years of grieving have seemed like a mere day. It makes me worry for my children, as if worrying will keep them safe. It makes me romanticize the past, as if it were free from trouble. It makes me fret about the future, as if I had any control over it. The tears come freely and only they decide when they will stop. And when they do, they leave puffy eyes as proof that they were there. A tattle-tale of tears as it were.

So, I ride the roller coaster, hanging on for dear life, or what certainly seems like dear life to me at the time. I look longingly at the calender knowing that in just a few short days I will be myself again. I will see things more clearly, my rationality will be returned to me and I will regain my optimism. And I will return to being the pms I enjoy - pretty much sane.

7 comments:

quiltdoggie said...

Amen, Sista! I feel your pain . . . . xoxoxo

mom of 2 said...

I'm so with you! My best friend moved over the weekend right in the middle of my pms...I've been a complete emotional wreck! I, too, am keeping an eye on the calendar knowing I'll feel better soon. Hope you do, too!

SoCalMuchacha said...

Well, if you want anyone to hop on that roller coaster with ya, who soooo knows what you're talking about, then let me know--I'm in! And I LOVE your version of PMS-pretty much sane...hilarious!

Anonymous said...

My poor baby, so that's what's wrong. I noticed you weren't your bubbly self,I guess I didn't realize that PMS made you feel that way. Come and see your mommy, she will hug you and kiss you as long as you want!

oneblueegg said...

Yeah me too sista like QD I feel it too:( sux a** holes :) Hope your cheery days are soon! xo

Paul said...

Hey Joy....

that was a very well written post... heart felt and honest...

and real....

way to go***!

Chunks said...

This post should have national attention because it so aptly describes the PMS that so many of us suffer. Kudos to you for getting it out with nary a swear word. If I had written it, it would have sounded like this:"Bleepity bleep bleep bleep..."